Albany with Ghost Mice

so last night was an epic adventure that i would rather just leave stuck in the time zone in which it happened in. As of 10pm last night, I have been an emotional wreck. My Syracuse trip is being postponed till atleast next week or so. It's really not something i want to go into great detail about. but my heart is aching harder than i think it has in years.


when you love someone. truly love someone. embrace it. i know that you are following your dreams and making your life the best you can make it. but please do not be afraid that love will hold you down and keep you from those goals. love is a beautiful thing and there is someone right here who has those same goals and aspirations and would do anything to see you succeed. would love you regardless of circumstances. you're an independent, smart and strong willed person and you make my heart smile and butterflies flutter in my stomach. i wish you would just take a chance on me...


applying for jobs in Syracuse online all day tomorrow.
i need to get my college & high school transcripts into OCC
need to find some purpose in all of this.
i need to be in Syracuse starting my life.
this north country wasteland is playing head games with me.
i need someone to tell me they love me more than just a friend. =(

it's currently 1:30 in the morning and i'll keep this one short.

i had one hell of a weekend. it's Thursday and i was officially on the road for a whole week. ended up in Plattsburgh last Thursday or Wednesday, i think. Tuesday was Aiden's first birthday. But unfortunately it was not the great celebration it was supposed to be. instead of cake, presents, singing happy birthday and blowing out the candle. i was sent home so Kassi could roll with her juggalo homies all night doing god knows. Happy Birthday Aiden.<3333

Thursday i found out the CO-OP backed out on letting me have my show there. thankfully i went out to Gilligan's Getaway to see Priests Of Leisure & Ota Benga play and the owner let me move the show there. I was rediculously nervous spending every second posting bullitens and advertising the new venue.

Friday was fucking spectacular!!!


the venue is this huge remodled warehouse with a pool table and video games. a pro sound system and crazy lights, a stage with drum riser, tables, consession stand, the works.

we had about 100 or more kids show up. all the bands walked away with 70 bucks in gas money. and i must say it was my BEST show thus far.

thanks so much to PARADISE OF THE BLOOD ARMY, MY COUSIN VINNY, OF GODS AND DESTROYERS and CALIFORNIA for making friday so amazing for everyone who came out!


saturday consisted of rain and getting lost on our way to Crossgates to meet up with Amber. i ended up grabing Starbucks & chinese food, and heading out to the Muddy Cup with Justin to jam out. back to Ambers for some sleep. bummed around the next day. Picked up Justin, Little Anthony's on Central Ave. for some steller vegan sausage & cheese pizza. headed up to Lark St. for the show. Hung outside and shot the shit with Dave Gunn and a few of his friends. Went inside, set up my merch table and proceeded to pump out an amazing acoustic set. sold a few cd's. made a couple bucks from the door. Calib Lionheart was really good. HEATHERS from Dublin Ireland absolutely blew my flippin' mind and of course Ghost Mice was absolutly spectacular. (I'll post video's sometime this weekend.)

Bought a few records, said my goodbyes and headed back to get some sleep. got a lift back to plattsburgh from Amber and her friend Abby. ended up at Goose's. headed to the mall for taco's and to meet up with a few of his friends. back to his house for cheesy salsa pasta, Diary Of The Dead and texting Hannah till bed.

caught the bus home to Potsdam.

Hardcore show on Friday in Massena with Veera Gander, South Hollywood Shootout, The Terror Scene & Corpse Defiler. i have a terrible feeling this will be my last show with Crown Of Lions...

Working my ass off all weekend doing yard work for my dad so i can make bus fare and some extra spending cash.


MONDAY: I'm hoping a bus to Syracuse to spend a week or two with Hannah. Do some extensive job hunting, getting a feel for the city and just spending time with her.
i'm so tired of this, all of it. i feel completely shut out from this world. i feel like i can't do anything with my life or provide for my son like i should be doing. St. Lawrence County has become a vast pit of quicksand, and if i don't get the hell out of it now, i'm gonna wake up at 50 years old buried up to my forehead in it, drowning. So i'm done with it.

I'm moving to the city, & going back to college. MY LIFE STARTS NOW.

to be continued...

Saturday is a very dull day.
i didn't really accomplish anything today but filling out some job applications.
filled my mp3 player and before bed I'm pumping out a few copies of my ep. for the Albany show next Sunday. I seriously spent all last week either puttering around the house eating every stitch of food i could eat. or walking for 4 straight hours into town to drop off & pick up applications. blah.

JCC in Watertown sent me a letter in the mail. i have ot fax them my high school/college transcripts on Monday (along with calling Bob's in Pburgh to try and secure a p.a. for the show Friday.) I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that i get an acceptance letter from OCC. i really want to move to Syracuse bad. but we'll see how my life path wants to be pathed.

I need to stop procrastinating the 3 books i started reading, yet haven't finished yet.

Aiden's birthday is the 16th. I'm taking a huge chunk of change from the money i made doing work for my dad, to buy him some presents like cloths and food. you know, things he'll actually need. I'm looking forward to celebrating his first birthday. this is sort of a really big deal for me, so I'm really excited.

And i had a fit of depression last night. the fact that I'm almost 30 and i haven't done anything with my life (really) just sorta kicked me in the ass, hard. you know, the fear of dying is kinda setting in, but not just dying parse. more like dying without fulfilling a real purpose. i know being vegan is number one of the being a great way to preventing cruelty to animals (the whole "one less meat eater" thing.) but sometime i get this urge to go out and just start sniping wire fence's and hacking down barns & stales, busting open cages, anything! it's really tough when you wanna save everyone and everything you can, but you just don't do it. i don't want to be one of those people who just bitches about it all my life. i wanna be a doer. It all goes back to this old zine i got called Strong Hearts, written by a native American, vegan animal rights activist from the 80's who was arrested and sent to jail for sabotaging whaling boats. he rights, publishes and sends the copies of his zines out from jail. it's so amazing hearing the stories of this guy or of his friends and how they actually fight against the outrageous conditions that animals suffer, not just on factory farms, but fur farms and in other cruel environments. risking their lives and freedom just to save another living being from harm & suffering. I WANNA DO THAT STUFF. it gets my blood pumping just thinking about making a change not just for an animal, but even for another living person. maybe one day I'll have the sheer determination to make a difference like that. oh, well.

i need next weekend to come already!!!

AND SOMEONE TELL ME TO STOP LISTENING TO SO MUCH FOUR YEAR STRONG & SET YOUR GOALS!!!

I guess the only possible way i could start this blogging thing off right, is with lyrics to a Paul Baribeau song. It's exactly how my life is going right now, give or take a few inexact details. But this is about the long and short of it.

PAUL BARIBEAU - Christmas Lights

fresh snow on the suburbs
staying at my parents
it hasn't been a good year
but things are all right here

sleeping in the spare room
that used to be my bedroom
even though I'm home now
I feel completely homeless

I'm looking at the moon
shining on the snow
and everything was blue
except the Christmas lights

walking round the basement
where my band used to practice
sometimes I don't want to make new friends
sometimes I just miss my old friends

but I'm seeing someone new now
she calms my heart down
but I'm too scared to tell her
how crazy I can get sometimes

I'm looking at the moon
shining on the snow
and everything was blue
except the Christmas lights


I never feel better after I cry
I spent 6 months of my life just wanting to die
I'm learning how to be alone without be lonely
learning how to be lonely without losing my mind


I'm looking at the moon
shining on the snow
and everything was blue
except the Christmas lights

i'll write something more detailed, later when i feel like it.